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A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then
directed them to disrobe and go at it.
When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion,
advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He then charged them $32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have
intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to
be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly
what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my
house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for
$32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical
officer after examining the new enlistee.
"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known people in civil life
to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."
"You are not in civil life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical
officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of
pneumonia."
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years
for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.
It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his
progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the
psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the
supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and
cheerful.
"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "You seem to be doing much better.
How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in
just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your
clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love
it!"
6. The banker because he says,” If you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always
eats what he shoots.
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The
doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone
I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ... what happened to your
other ear?"
"The son-of-a-bitch called back."
An actuary a doctor and a priest play golf together. They have a good
day but it takes hours and hours to complete the course because the
four in front are unbelievably slow. After the game they go to the
club bar and have a drink. The club captain not having seen the new
members welcomes them and asks them how their game went. They say how
enjoyable it was but not really wanting to criticize they comment on
how long the four in front took. The club captain explains the story
that they are four firemen who in a tragic accident at a fire at the
golf club house were blinded rescuing players from the bar. They are
now honorary members allowed to play whenever they want but they do
understandably take a while to complete a round. The doctor apologies
and says he will get a friend who is a professor in eye surgery to
have a free look to see if anything at all can be done. The priest
says all his congregation will pray for them at church. The actuary
thinks for a while and asks, "Couldn't they play at night?"
When you ask an actuary a question that requires a one-sentence
answer, they respond by telling you where to find the source material
from which you can calculate the answer yourself, then proceed to
describe the pros and cons of different methods of calculation The
classic party misunderstanding:
- "What do you do for a living?"
- "I'm an actor"
- "Really!! Have you valued any pension funds that I may have heard
of?"
A guy walks into a butcher's shop looking for something for his
dinner. Sitting in the refrigerator are two piles of what looks like
brains. The customer turns to the butcher and says to him "What are
these in the refrigerator?" The butcher replies that the plate on the
left contains accountants brains, which he is selling for $1 a pound
and the other contains actuary’s brains which he will sell for 10
cents a pound. The customer is quite surprised at hearing that
actuary’s brains were so cheap, as he always thought actuaries were
highly intelligent people, so he asked the butcher about the
discrepancy. The butcher replies "Yeah, but have you any idea how hard
it is to find accountants brains?" According to a 5th degree
osculatory extrapolation of the last 6 SOA yearbooks (before they went
electronic!), by the year 2038 there will be more Actuaries than
people. One actuary to another: "Come on, man, live on the edge; test
at 0% level of significance." An actuary, an accountant, an old lady
and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train
passes through a tunnel and in the darkness a loud slap is heard. When
out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the accountant has a
red five finger mark on his cheek. The blonde is thinking: the
accountant must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly
groped the old lady, so she slapped him. The old lady is thinking:
that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.
The accountant is thinking: the actuary must have groped the blonde in
the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him. The actuary is
thinking: I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that damn
accountant again!!! How does an accountant liven up a party? He
invites an actuary. An actuary's wife had a cat that continually
annoyed him. In the middle of the night, the actuary got up and took
the cat to a nearby lake. There he took a boat to the deepest part of
the lake and put the cat in a bag filled with rocks. He securely
closed the bag and threw it overboard. The next day his wife was quite
distraught at the cat's disappearance. To show his concern, the
actuary called the local newspaper to place a lost cat ad. For return
of the cat a $10,000 reward was offered. When questioned about the
size of the reward, the actuary stated "when you are confident of your
contingencies, you can be liberal with your benefits". Question: What
does FCAS stand for? Answer: F***ing Clever at Sums
As luck would have it an underwriter lived next door to an actuary.
The underwriter was getting sick and tired of loaning out the many
personal belongings that the actuary frequently asked to borrow. After
all, the actuary should have been able to afford these items for his
own. One day the underwriter saw the neighbor actuary approach.
Planning on tricking the actuary, the underwriter decided to deny
whatever request the actuary made. Actuary: "Are you going to be using
your power saw today?" Underwriter: "Sorry, I actually have a lot of
wood to cut with my saw and I will be using it all day."
Actuary: "That's okay. So I can borrow your golf clubs then, right?"
An actuary is spotted by a police officer, completely naked, roaming
the streets of a city centre in the middle of the night. Inevitably
the officer approaches the actuary and wants an explanation. "Well,"
said the actuary, "I was at this party out in the suburbs with a bunch
of young professionals, it was really swinging, drink was flowing and
everyone was having a really great time. Then suddenly this guy yells
out 'Hey everybody, why don't we throw all our clothes off and really
go to town!!’...... so here I am." It's tougher to be an actuary than
to be a mathematician. A mathematician only has to prove he's right.
An actuary has to actually be right. Why did the actuary keep a can of
lubricating oil in his top drawer? To oil the wheels of his chair;
otherwise they might squeak and someone might notice he was there
There is an actuary who is trying to pick someone up at a bar. The
person at the bar asks, "So, what do you do for a living?" The actuary
responds, "I model." The person at the bar responds, "Really?! I never
would have guessed. What kind of modeling?" The actuary answers,
"Actuarial Modeling!" Three actuaries go to lunch. The waiter leaves a
check for $26.40 at the edge of the table. When the waiter returns,
how much does he find to pay the bill? Answer: Zero. Actuaries always
round to the nearest ten million Question: How do you differentiate an
Actuary? Answer: dActuary/dx. Question: How do you differentiate an
Actuary on holiday? Answer: dActuary/dx + c.
An actuary is flying on an old-style 4 prop plane to the annual
meeting. Partway through the flight one engine conks out. The pilot
comes over the intercom to advise the passengers that one engine is
dead, but the plane is perfectly capable of flying on three, although
this will delay their arrival time by one hour. A while later, the
pilot advises the passengers that unfortunately, a second engine has
ceased to function. He reassures them that the plane can fly on only
two engines, but their arrival time will now be delayed by 3 hours.
Shortly after, the pilot has more bad news - the 3rd engine is not
working, but he reassures everyone again that the plane is perfectly
capable of continuing with only one engine working, but that their
arrival time will now be delayed by 7 hours. At this news, the actuary
can no longer contain his frustration. He turns to the passenger
sitting next to him and says "Boy that's just great - if the 4th
engine stops working we're going to be up here forever
An actuary is a dweeb who reads very thick books with tiny, tiny print
and enjoys the footnotes more than the text. An actuary is a person
who wanted to be a plumber but refused to take crap off anyone. An
actuary is a geek who wanted to work at home, but whose spouse
wouldn't allow a mouse in the house. ACTUARIAL EXAM QUESTION THAT
NEVER WAS: Iggy is deciding whether to invest $140 to take actuarial
exam #2. (He has already failed the exam once, but the first $140
should be considered a sunk cost). If he passes the exam he will be
able to get a job which pays $50,000 per year. Assume that this salary
is to be delivered as a perpetuity receivable twice monthly for the
remainder of Iggy's life. His salary will be adjusted at the end of
each year to keep up with the CPI, which is currently at 9.5%. Assume
this student's job prospects otherwise to be negligible (i.e.,
opportunity cost of capital = 0) and that the probability of his
passing the exam is 1 in 400 billion. Determine whether Iggy should
embark in this venture using a) the NPV method b) the discounted
payback rule c) five paper clips and a stick of balsam wood.
A) Yes.
B) No.
C) Yes.
D) No, because the APV method should have been used instead.
E) A but not C (if so, explain why). (
A financial director rings his long standing actuarial firm and asks
"Can I speak to an Actuary please." The receptionist passes the
Financial Director through to the actuarial department and the
actuarial manager says him, "for the last time, you've changed over to
a money purchase scheme, so don't need a Scheme Actuary." The finance
director replies: "I know, I just wanted to here you say it again."
Question: How many actuaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: What the hell is a light bulb, that wasn't on any of the
exams!
Question: How many accountants does it take to find the present value
of an annuity? Answer: Three. One to determine the amount of each
payment, one to figure out which account to put the answer in, and one
to go ask an actuary how to calculate it.
Question: How can you tell the difference between a CPA and an
Actuary? Answer: By which side of the bars the person is on
GOOGTOOT