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The Post Office just recalled
their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side
to spit on.
How can a pregnant woman tell
that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are
there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take
to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder
company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent
were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch
or read the paper?
What did the lawyer name his
daughter?
Sue.
What do you call 25 skydiving
lawyers?
Skeet.
What do you call a lawyer gone
bad? Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with
an IQ of 50?
Your honor.
What do you throw to a
drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What does a lawyer use for
birth control?
His personality.
What happens when you cross a
pig with a lawyer? Nothing.
There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the difference between
a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's another difference
between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.
Why does California have the
most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
Two
physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two
physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling
in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a
coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a
thumbtack in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I
think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other
physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it.
The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This
fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting
tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"
A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All
lawyers are assholes."
A guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a
field trip to their local police station they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin
board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo
of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
August 4 thru August 8 2003
Jokes
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Archive
August 11 thru August 15 2003
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Jokes
Q: How many
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who
have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four.
One to change the bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old
light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly
colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of
their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages
state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are
of the form "A ------ consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by
blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. Reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the
witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of
license fee.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Soviet troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to
the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old
one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld
of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a
tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for
Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture,
remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super- high wattage model
of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry
truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry
truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light
bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Duke Medical School students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
Jokes Archive
August 18 thru August 22 2003
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August 25 thru August 29 2003
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September 1 thru September 5 2003
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September 8 thru September 12 2003
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September 15 thru September 19 2003
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September 22 thru September 26 2003
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September 29 thru October 3 2003
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Schneider applied to
a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the
manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd
get the job.
Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount.
"Amazing!" The manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his
other creditors he paid us."
My
Son is More Successful than yours
These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning.
One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their
children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building
industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction
firm. He's so successful in fact; in the last year he was able to give a good
friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car
salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact,
in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and
in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been
discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he
replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently
discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he
does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two
cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Two guys were sitting at a bar one day
watching the 6:00 news.
A man was about to jump off a bridge on T.V., so one guy bet the other guy $5
that he would jump.
The other guy said, "I don't know if he's going to jump."
Finally they made the bet.
They were glued to the T.V. watching to see whether the guy on the bridge was
going to jump or not, when all of a sudden he jumps off.
When the guy who lost gave the other guy his money, the other guy said, "No, no
you keep your money, I've already seen this on the 5:00 news."
The guy who lost says, "So did I but I never thought he would jump twice."
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of
traffic: New Jersey.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston.
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell
phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk
to someone in back seat: Italy.
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake,
mind on radio game: Seattle.
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet
being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the
window: Texas.
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on
floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving
35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
Jokes Archive
October 6 thru October 10 2003
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October 13 thru October 17 2003
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10. You get a threatening note made up of
letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,
the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your
split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck
half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and
saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel
sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the
bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a
swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an
oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every
orifice.
And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
GOOGTOOT