Oneliners

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bear arms.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Actuary Jokes

Did you hear about the actuary who was so negative, when he walked into a room people would look around and say, "Who just left an actuary is in a bar when a woman asks for his phone number? He stops to think for a moment and then replies, "I'm sorry, I've seen so many numbers today. I just can't remember the exact number, but I can probably estimate it to within 10%.

List of actuarial pick-up lines:

7. Of course I won't tell anyone. I'm like the exponential distribution; I have the memory less property.

6. Is that an official SOA calculator in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Please note that only an official calculator, bearing the seal of the Society of Actuaries, will be accepted as an answer.

5. So, what exam are you sitting for? Hey, what a coincidence, I'm on that exam committee. I've seen the questions they're gonna ask this time. You should see them; it's gonna be a real killer...

4. My love for you is endless, like perpetuity.

3. Since the first time I saw you, my interest in you has compounded continuously.

2. I love the way your hairline emulates the p.d.f. of the Gamma distribution.

1. If you put 5 red, 4 yellow, and 3 green balls in an urn, what's the probability of you coming home with me tonight? What is the difference between an attorney and an actuary? An actuary doesn't need water to walk on. How do you tell the difference between an actuary and the deceased person at a funeral? The deceased has a new tie.

Question: What is the difference between an actuary and an actuary for the mob? Answer: The actuary knows how many people will die each year, while the actuary for the mob knows their names

Alternate answer: The actuary for the mob knows the date, time, place and means of death.

Question: What do you get from an actuary in the mob? Answer: An offer you do not understand but cannot refuse.

A man walks into the actuarial department of an insurance company and sees three actuarial students busily involved in the center of the room. One is holding a long board upright; the second is steadying a chair on a desk upon which the third student is balanced. The third student has one end of a tape measure and the first student has the other. The intruder asks, "What in the world are you doing?" The actuarial students answer, "We're trying to measure this board." The intruder says, "Why not lay it down on the floor and measure it?" The students answer, "We already know how long it is; now we want to see how tall it is."

Three actuaries are at heaven's gate and are being questioned by St. Peter on what usefulness they did in life. The first actuary says, "I discovered a new rating plan that rates people more fairly," so St. Peter says, "Fine, welcome to heaven." The second actuary says, "I discovered a new forecasting technique that predicts claims more accurately," so St. Peter says, "Fine, welcome to heaven." The third actuary says, "I invented HMOs." St. Peter says, "Fine, you may stay three days, but then you have to leave."

The President, the Pope, a lawyer and an actuary are on a crashing plane. There are only three parachutes. "I should have one, since I'm the President," said the President. "Me too, since I'm the Pope," said the Pope. "Well," said the lawyer, "I should escape so we can properly sue the airline," but the actuary said "what about the insurance premiums? Someone has to calculate those!" Everyone stopped to think about it, but it was too late and the plane crashed.

Actuaries are the people who enter the battlefield after the battle is over and bayonet the wounded.

Two underwriters boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an actuary got on and took the aisle seat next to the two underwriters. The actuary kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the underwriter in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a soda." "No problem," said the actuary, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the underwriters picked up the actuary's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the soda, the other underwriter said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the actuary obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other underwriter picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Actuary returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Actuary slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" He asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in sodas?"

Why do male actuaries like to use the end urinal? Because it reduces the probability by 50% of being pissed upon by someone else.

What's the difference between an actuary and a coconut? You can get a drink out of a coconut! Question: Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, the bad actuary, and the good actuary are in the four corners of a room. A $100 bill floats down to the middle of the room. Who gets it? Answer: the bad actuary. Everybody knows the other three are mere fictional characters

During an actuarial convention in Las Vegas, there was an actuary at a soda machine who had arrived there just before an underwriter who had also come to get a soda.

The actuary put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and placed the soda on a counter next to the machine. Then the actuary pulled out a dollar, inserted it into the machine, studied the machine carefully, pushed the button for Coke Classic, and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. The actuary immediately took the 50 cents, put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. The actuary placed both sodas on the counter next to the Diet Coke. As the actuary was reaching for more change, the underwriter, who had been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, asked, "Excuse me, but are you done yet?" The actuary looked at the underwriter and replied indignantly, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

American Pi (not a misspelling) - to the tune of "Bye Bye, Miss American Pie"

A long, long time ago... I can still remember how Computers used to make me smile. And I knew if I had my chance, that I could make electrons dance, And maybe I'd be happy for a while. But January made me shiver; it chilled me deep down in my liver, Bad news I'd collected... I couldn't get connected. I can't remember back that day when I first knew the Y2K But something touched me anyway, the day computers died.

So, Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire This will be the day I retire

Can you write in C plus plus? And do you have faith in your local bus If the driver tells you so? Do you believe in Compaq's goals Can software save your mortal soul And can you teach me how to type real slow? Well I thought that you were prepared Cause your memo said you weren't impaired Your stationery's swell But you can go to hell I was a lonely teenage Unix hack With an incantation and a modem jack But I knew the cat had left the sack The day computers died I started singin'...

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire This will be the day I retire

Now for ten years we've ignored the threat And we haven't solved the problem yet But that's not how it used to be When the luddites read for the king and queen With a light they filled with kerosene And some manuals they stole from you and me And while Bill Gates was looking pleased Time stole his monopolies The courtroom was adjourned No verdict was returned While Apple tried a color scheme The engineers returned to steam And we had purges of their dreams The day computers died We were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire This will be the day I retire

Intel inside in an iron smelter The food leftover from my fallout shelter Twinkies old and aging fast I'd rather eat the grass Q and A tried for a system crash With the tester on the sidelines in a cast Now the timeshare net was running Doom While mainframes played a marching tune We all tried to log in Oh, but we never could begin 'Cause Cobol tried to take the field, And Hollerith refused to yield. Do you recall what was revealed, The day computers died? We started singing

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire This will be the day I retire

There we were all in a state A generation - really late With no time left to start again So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick Don't let my spreadsheet data stick Cause data is the devil's only friend. As I watched him on my screen My hands and face were drenched in steam No angel born in hell Could run that stupid shell And as the ball climbed high into the night To call the sacrificial night I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight The day computers died. I met a girl with a cell phone And I asked her for a dial tone But she just smiled and turned away

I went down to the software store Where I'd seen computers years before But the man there said the games there wouldn't play And in the streets the children screamed The lovers cried and the poets dreamed Their interface was spoken The Internet was broken


And the three things I connect to most The Website, Lan and the Network host Every single one was toast The day computers died They were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire This will be the day I retire

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